offFebruary 4, 2011

Q:  For years, my backyard has been overrun by squirrels.  Dozens.  Until recently, they were somewhat of an annoyance–digging little holes throughout my yard–but now they have entered my home (the attic specifically).  Yesterday, I caught them in my den, rifling through our coffee table bowls of decorative paper mache balls.  Please help.  — Frank in West Columbia

A:  Hi, Frank.  You clearly have a rabid case of stolen nut syndrome.  Animals and humans have different strengths in their various senses.  Rabbits have excellent hearing.  Hawks have superior eyesight.  Dogs have a stronger sense of smell.  And the list could go on.  Squirrels have an innate ability to sense the emasculation of a man whipped into submission by a domineering wife.  In my expert opinion, your wife took possession of your testicles many years ago, and the squirrels have actually been trying to help locate your nuts ever since.  Apparently, there has also been some recent motivating action that has prompted the squirrels to come into your home to try to put a stop to the situation, and for some reason, you want the squirrels gone–along with any hope of retrieving some sense of masculinity within your home.  Forest and Wildlife is a diverse group of professionals with a cross-section of expertise, but this one is clearly beyond our control.  Good luck.

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